Few songs capture the heartache of being human while affirming God’s love and presence as well as the song “Held” by Natalie Grant:
Two months is too little
They let him go, they had no sudden healing
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays is appallingWho told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live
It's unfairThis is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was when everything fell
We'd be heldThis hand is bitterness
We wanna taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrowThis is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was when everything fell
We'd be heldIf hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior?This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
Yeah, ooh, be held, ohThis is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This is what it means to be held
It was the fall of 2005 and I was in the throes of my first major depressive episode, although at the time my husband and I had no name for what was happening to me, to us. I was on a break from medical school, trying to figure out my life, while depression limited my ability to envision any future success, and anxiety paralyzed me from taking any positive action.
Every night after work, my husband Tony would come home and hold me for hours on the couch while I cried.
One night as we lay on the cough he said to me, “I love you.”
“Why?” I asked. “Why do you love me?”
I knew that in that moment that I was a tearful, sobbing mess and truly believed that there was nothing lovely or lovable about me.
“I love you because I love you,” he replied.
That simple declaration of love, independent of any justifications, external criteria, appearances or achievement, soaked into desert of my depressed soul, creating its own oasis. Those words would save my life from dying by suicide less than 2 months later. They solidified into a bedrock of trust that has both held our marriage together and supported it for years to come. No matter how many fights and no matter what challenges have come our way since that day in 2005, I have never questioned my husband’s love for me.
As I reflect on that moment 19 years later, I see that his words had such a powerful impact because I was completely broken, vulnerable and powerless. Depression had stripped away all my smiles, humor, achievements, successes, and outward appearances of having it all together. In that moment, my husband had access to every part of my heart and soul, with the power to heal me or destroy me with his next words. By the grace of God, he used his words to heal.
In that moment, my husband had access to every part of my heart and soul, with the power to heal me or destroy me with his next words. By the grace of God, he used his words to heal.
God does the same with us.
He holds us when we are a crying, sobbing mess on the couch. He is present with us in our depressions, our anxieties and our heartaches. He is patient with us, lending us his shoulder to cry on and his arms to encircle us.
And when our tears have been cried and we are limp with physical and emotional exhaustion, he whispers in our ear, “I love you.”
“Why, God?” we cry. “Why do you love me?”
“I love you because I love you.”
In his book, The Gift of Being Yourself, author David Benner suggests that the more deeply we come to know ourselves, the more deeply we come to know God. Even more astounding, he declares that our most authentic and life-changing God encounters happen exactly in those moments when we are completely broken, helpless and vulnerable before Him. This is the moment when God’s declaration of love can soak into the deep places of our soul and we can actually receive his infinite love and unconditional acceptance as Truth, allowing it to become the reality of our lives and the bedrock of our faith.
Imagine this: you’re on a beach and the weather is absolutely perfect. But you’re not dressed for it. In fact, you’re dressed for a full day of skiing in the snow. You can kind of see that the sun shining thru your ski glasses, but you cannot experience the sun and its warmth because of all the layers that you have in place for protection.
Here’s the rub: you’re layered up with protection against the cold, but you don’t need it. In reality, you’re on the beach.
As you begin to orient yourself and understand where you are, you begin to take off your layers. First the ski gloves, then the glasses and the hat. Next you take off the ski boots, pants and jacket. Piece by piece, you take off the layers until every part of you is exposed to the warmth of the sun.
The layers of gear that you put on to protect yourself were the same layers that kept you from experiencing the sun.
This is exactly how it works with God.
We are hurt by humans and learn to put on layers to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, we hear phrases like “God the Father” and mistakenly believe that God will shame us and condemn us like our earthly fathers did. We start pretending. We put on our Sunday smiles and our Sunday best and walk around telling others we are “blessed.”
We wear the mask for so long we forget how to take it off.
Then tragedy strikes.
A child dies. A diagnosis is spoken. A job disappears. A spouse files for divorce. A house burns. A friendship goes silent.
Suddenly, all of our layers, all of our masks, and all of our pretending that we are okay are dissolved. We find ourselves a broken, crying, sobbing and maybe even suicidal mess on the couch. That is the moment when the sun breaks through:
He would never crush a broken heart nor disregard the weak and vulnerable. Isaiah 42:3 (TPT)
Another translation of the same verse says that he won’t break a bruised reed and won’t snuff out a smoldering wick.
And in that moment of raw honesty and naked vulnerability, you will find:
The God of the Universe who holds you.
The Holy Spirit who wordlessly groans with you.
The Jesus who weeps with you.
Life may crush us. God will not.
If you are feeling crushed by life right now, I’m here to help. Simply click HERE to schedule a coffee chat with me.
Supporting you in your hurt, and holding you in my heart,
Your sister,
Heather
p.s. As an amazon affiliate, I make a small commission on qualified purchases.
p.p.s. Link to The Gift of Being Youself by David Benner HERE.
p.p.p.s. Link to my calendar for a coffee chat HERE.
p.p.p.p.s. Now this is just getting silly. Have a great week. :-)
Thank you for writing this. It's lovely. I am thankful to have found you here. Talk to you soon:)